I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day