17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.