i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock