My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
broke down and did it
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?