PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Peppa pig = spicy bacon