Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
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Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
2 years later
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor