A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
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