Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.