“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
You Might Also Like
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me driving through Toronto
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?