God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.