me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats