Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
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“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers