I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Ummm
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
he was correct
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision