Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man