[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group