(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I got bills
They’re multiplying
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Wednesday
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?