I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My neck my back my allergy attack
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Hmmmmm
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail