Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
wtf management?!