There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Beards are a privilege, not a right
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
doing some research
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”