Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
You Might Also Like
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Go girl power!
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Coffee is ready.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.