peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My sex drive has a dui
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”