Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.