[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman