*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My birth announcement for our third baby
They’re the worst 😩
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Good boy 😂😂