The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*