What if the weather talks about us?
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back