That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.