cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great