All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds