I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
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9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I get distracted pretty eas
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.