why does this building look like a guilty dog
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When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]