*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
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I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch