Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.