WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
wish me luck lads
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Isn’t
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?