Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*