*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.