Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.