I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.