A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
😜
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.