Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not