{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
as is their right
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…