It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?