Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
That’s what I call a flat tire
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>