Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
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Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
this isn’t threatening at all
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.