interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
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My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult