Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
giddy up Office Depot
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
found this cool rock hiking today
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
one of
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.