I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
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An odd boast
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.