[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
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As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]