Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.