5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
so much to do
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry